A curvy dad is a sexy dad. In fact, dad bods are getting so popular, many moms have them now too
People often write: “Dear humorist, how do you keep in such incredibly cruddy shape?”
Here’s how to build a dad bod, using mostly pork chops and other items you probably have lying around the house:
Protein is key, peanut butter, grilled meats, a greasy goose, a coffee can filled with lard. What you want to do is drastically slow the metabolism and completely shut down digestion.
Bacon is essential.
Chips are important too, and the smart dad – the dad with a little extra to hug – keeps several bags hidden around the house, in spots the kids won’t find them. Lube them up with salsa, or spinach dip or nacho cheese. Layer them with protein – chicken, lasagna, a cow.
Whatever you do, don’t skip dessert. In fact, you might start with dessert and work backwards, ending with breakfast, mostly pancakes and waffles.
Like protein, starches are key. Meanwhile, go light on the lettuce. Stuff’ll kill you.
To ensure the poor posture often associated with a dad bod, lean over a sports page every morning. And spend countless hours at the computer doing stat sheets for your youth team.
Whenever possible, parade your toddler around on your shoulders at theme parks or airports. On a rug, Christmas morning, spend countless hours assembling toys.
Be sure to smush the tush. Smart, savvy dads fall asleep on the couch at every opportunity, in impossible positions, much like cats. Once your spine is misaligned, you’re halfway to a dad bod.
Why a dad bod? Tastes change and health fads are fickle. But these days, a curvy dad is a sexy dad.
In troubled times, big dads are more appealing to females, who are – consciously or not – programmed to perpetuate the species by choosing the most-robust mate available.
Dad bods also have an intangible, feel-good appeal, like hometowns, basset hounds and vintage firetrucks.
According to a recent study, women prefer dad bods to men with six-packs. The study found that nearly 80% of men and women believe that a dad bod is a sign that the man is confident in himself.
That’s why John Goodman and I are considered such great catches these days, while frail baby-men like Zac Efron can’t get a date.
Soon there is bound to be a “Dad Bod Beauty Pageant,” hosted by Drew Carey. The swimsuit competition will be the highlight, since it objectivizes the contestants.
Nutritionists will tell you that a dad bod doesn’t happen overnight. At best, it’s a life’s work, and usually begins about junior year in college. By graduation, a dude should look newly pregnant.
This varies a lot by region, of course. In the South, boys usually have a small paunch going by the second grade. In Southern California, many dads never have a paunch at all. Unfortunately, the pizza is lousy here, and the sandwiches less gloppy. Hence, sad skinny six-pack dads.
To have a dad bod in LA, you really need to make a point of it, as I obviously have.
That doesn’t mean you should ignore your health. Yesterday, I did an entire sit-up. Took me 20 minutes. Next week, I might do another.
Remember, Churchill had a paunch, as did Babe Ruth, Pablo Sandoval and Winne-the-Pooh. All great men. All a little chubby.
Many moms now have dad bods. They have seen the light, the joylessness of being toothpicks — always famished, lusty for any little morsel — and have embraced what we call the “dad-bod lifestyle.”
To me, dad-bod moms seem happier than other moms, more content to be their true selves.
I hope these dietary tips help. Results may vary. Not everybody will achieve the perfect dad bod. Like good looks, many dad bods are the result of lucky genetics as much as anything else.
As I said, pork chops are often the first step toward achieving the ideal dad body. My son Smartacus and I made pumpkin-spice pork chops the other night. We like to team up in the kitchen, shoulder to shoulder, giving each other a hard time. Occasionally, he’ll pat my tummy.
“Dad bod,” he’ll say.
“Shut up,” I say.
I found this pumpkin pork chop recipe in Parade Magazine, the last great magazine left in America, especially if you’re looking for inside info on Cameron Diaz, our last great actress.
Here’s the twist: Good as they sound, pumpkin-spice pork chops weren’t that yummy. They tasted like school books. I’m not even going to bother with the recipe here, though you can click here to get it. If you try it, be sure to double the amount of pumpkin spice.
Fortunately, a thousand little Snickers bars are probably in your house right now. Dad is probably stashing them, or maybe Mom. Check his workbench, or her jewelry drawer.
Basically, this is just the start of dad-bod season – featuring candy, warm pie and gravy boats — the total opposite of bikini season, featuring a moonscape of empty plates.
So live a little, OK? Go back for seconds, dip random stuff in chocolate. Fa-la-la-la-laaa till you drop.
After all, know who has the best dad bod of all? Santa.
Both pleased and sad to report that the Nov. 11 Rose Bowl hike is sold out. Plenty more Happy Hour Hikes on the way, though. To ensure you’re getting hiking invites, go to chriserskinela.com and sign up under NEWSLETTERS. Also coming (in December): the first Gin & Tonic Society Gingle Bell Bash. Gingle all the way!