Winter Pleasures

The winter winds blow the last of the tree needles away, scrub the porch, loosen the shingles. The eucalyptus branches snap, flavoring the ‘hood. L.A.’s finest incense, it’s greatest cologne, is broken eucalyptus branches.

Love the L.A. winters, which are really just an extended version of fall. No parkas. No slush. No sleet. When it gets cold, you merely pull a sweatshirt over your other sweatshirt.

On brisk mornings, a coffee mug feels like a pair of mittens. At night, you pull out the throw blankets for the couch. 

Ready. Set. Popcorn.

I always craved an old cottage by the river, a cellar full of root vegetables and homemade potato beer.

I’m faintly Ptolemic in my outlook (everything revolves around me). Rationally, I know it really doesn’t, but that’s how Elon lives, that’s the secret to the Kardashians, right? “Me, me, me, me, me.”

Why shouldn’t we adopt such a successful outlook? Where once, we had Horatio Alger, and a dogged work ethic, Americans now turn to narcissism.

Hey, give it a chance.

By the way, I also shun the idea of an expanding universe. I mean, look around, right? Is there more parking than last week, more room on the roads? 

Hence, no expanding universe. I rest my case.

As someone noted the other day: “We’re all crazy. Relax. It’s not a contest.”

I also take life cues from my 4-year-old grandchild, this whirling auburn-haired Ophelia, who is just now beginning to worry, though not too much.

There’s a healthy life outlook: Worry. But not too much.

Suzanne notes that I am indeed a worrier, though I pretend to be an easy-going bon vivant who doesn’t sweat the small stuff. As usual, she is probably right.

I worry about what frost might do to the pumpkin still on my porch. I worry that I still have a pumpkin on the porch: Does that indicate my unwillingness to move on? Of course it does.

I hate change in any fashion. Fifty years later, I’m still parting my hair in the exact same place.

Here’s another thing about me: I love food so much. I’m not sure why I don’t weigh 4,000 pounds, except that I walk the dog a lot and worry too much.

So here, in a celebratory New Year’s vein, is my recipe for Thai Jambalaya. 

What I’ve done here is marry the succulence and spice of Thai food with the spice and decadence of Cajun cuisine. Yum. My kids call my cooking “dad-fusion.”

“I may be a bit of a genius,” I warn them.

“No Dad, you’re not.”

OK, so the jury is still out on that. 

In any case, Thai Jambalaya comes together in minutes. All you need is a nearby Trader Joe’s and a pioneer spirit. In most cases, you can get by without the pioneer spirit, and just substitute a cup of coffee, which will be all the push you need to get this easy dish done.

RECIPE FOR THAI JAMBALAYA

Buy a bag of SHRIMP FRIED RICE at Trader Joe’s

Buy a bag of frozen SEAFOOD BLEND at Trader Joe’s: scallops, shrimp, calamari.

Buy a couple of eggs too, and maybe some French bread.

In a pot or big pan, sauté the shrimp from the bag of fried rice. Add, about half the bag of seafood blend. Simmer for about 10 minutes, shoving it around in its own juices.

Add the rice from the bag of Thai fried rice.

Stir together, maybe for 10 minutes. If its gets too thick, add a bit of olive oil or chicken broth. Even water works.

Scramble the two eggs and fold them into the pot.

If you have any leftover pea or carrots, toss them in here too…maybe some frozen spinach.

Optional: A healthy sprinkle of Creole seasoning, a tablespoon or so. Or a bit of hot sauce. But PLEASE NOTE that the Thai fried rice is already a bit spicy.

Simmer and serve with cornbread or French bread. 

Makes enough for 2-3 persons, or one teenager. If you’re serving more, just double or triple the portions.

If it’s not the best thing you ever threw together in 20 minutes, it’ll at least be close.

Thai Jambalaya is guaranteed to cure insomnia, rickets, crickets and coughs. It also cures depression, recession, aggression and, in some cases, obsession.

It might also help you win a date with Sarah Silverman, or that cranky guy at the auto store.

As they say in the commercials: Results may vary. 

Enjoy.