Belly Up!

It’s not even Thanksgiving and already my phone smells of onions. Note to self: “Could phone colognes be an actual thing?”

End of note.

FYI, I was making a big bucket of red beans and rice the other day. There are just some dishes that you crave on soggy autumn afternoons, and they usually come in big pots that simmer all day, flavoring the house, making the dogs lusty with hunger.

Hence the onions. Cutting them never makes me cry, by the way. Nothing makes me cry anymore, except national politics and the Chicago Bears defense. Local politics used to make me cry, so I merely started ignoring it.

Other things that make me cry:

—These idiot influencers.

—Two-digit verifications.

—Cashless stadiums.

—The sad state of the American sitcom.

—My home’s prehistoric plumbing. 

That’s about it. Not much, right? 

Amazing the troubling things you can ignore when you have a giant pot of red beans and rice simmering on the stove. Suddenly, life seems better. Because it is better. In my lifetime, red beans and rice has cured more than any parcel tax or bond referendum.

After these epic rains, life does seem better. Every six months or so Los Angeles gets a group bath, and that’s what happened last weekend, a sudsy scrub-a-dub-dub. The TV weather dudes and bunnies went into a complete meltdown. Some had to be medicated.

‘MORE BIG STORMS ON THE WAY! FORECAST AT 11!”

Big puddles pooled in the fast lanes. Note to self: “In heavy rains, stay out of the fast lanes. In heavy rains, L.A. makes its own gravy.”

End of note.

Had to battle my way across town during a downpour on Saturday, and I was caught by surprise over the mostly sane way L.A. drivers handled the rain. They drove 60 on the freeways, avoided lane changes as much as possible. Almost everyone had their lights and wipers on.

Remember, we live in a town where even the cops don’t put their lights on in the rain. And little gray sedans, 20 minutes before sunup, roar down the boulevard without headlights, like rogue German torpedoes.

Note to self: “Get out of L.A. before invisible gray sedans T-bone you.”

End of note.

I always threaten to leave Los Angeles, and then something magnificent happens, like three grandkids (my greatest trifecta). Or Bittner, or Suzanne. 

Or these epic rains, which will nearly erase our dreaded fire season. Not quite, but damn close.

The rains were like a Eucharist, perfectly timed to the holidays. You know that fresh feeling you have just as you step out of the shower? That’s how L.A. feels right now. Even the crows are cleaner, and you’d barely recognize the high school kids.

All we’re lacking right now is a little snow sugaring the foothills and it’ll be perfect. Perfect!

Listen, perfection has never been a longterm goal of mine, you can tell that just by looking at me. For me, simple survival is a far more reasonable objective. Over the years, I’ve survived the Chicago Bears, four kids,  54 slumping economies, national politics, and a cellphone that smells like onions.

So, stand back, there’s really no stopping me now. Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and a fine L.A. winter lies just ahead. Our hillsides will never look greener, the November skies will be plump with fat silver clouds and pumpkin sunsets.

Hey, want some red beans? I made too many.

Note to self: “Always make too many.”

Coming Saturday:  Hey UCLA, are you drunk? Or just out of your mind?

Huddle up!

Please join me as I interview two football greats, Anthony Munoz and Warren Moon, at Thursday’s Rose Bowl Quarterbacks Club Breakfast.

• Free parking: Rose Bowl Lot F
• Event location: East Locker Room (enter Gate A)
• Gates open at 8:30, with breakfast and program from 9-10 am
• Cost at the door: $50. Advance purchases encouraged.
• Format: Breakfast with keynote speakers (Munoz and Moon), Q&A, and networking.
• Audience: Local football fans, alumni, players, coaches, community leaders, and sponsors
• Advance tickets: http://www.RoseBowlQBClub.com  

My red beans and rice recipe

This New Orleans classic is one of the tamer creole dishes, as far as spiciness goes. You can hot-sauce it up, but I prefer it as a creamy bean and sausage dish over white rice. Comfort food rarely gets better than this.

Ingredients

1 pound dried kidney beans

8 cups water (approximately)

1 cup chopped onion

2 cups chicken stock

2 tablespoons minced garlic

1 pound sliced andouille or other smoked sausage (turkey sausage fine)

Smoked ham hock (optional)

Salt and pepper to taste (I usually add once it’s served)

4 cups steamed white rice

French bread

Directions

1. Rinse beans in cold water, add water till they’;re fully covered and soak in a bowl overnight

2. Drain beans and transfer to large chili pot

3. Add water to cover and simmer for 1 hour over low heat

4. Add the onions, sausage (plus optional ham hock) and cook till tender, about an hour.

5. Add bay leaf, garlic and chicken stock.

6. Cook about 30 minutes more, till beans become creamy. Mash a quarter cup of the beans to enhance creaminess and re-add to pot.

7. Serve over a scoop of white rice.

8. Season with salt, pepper and hot sauce to taste (you can also do this in main pot as long as everyone agrees on level of spiciness).

9. Serve with a side of French bread.